Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Okay okay, I admit I'm not disciplined at all when it comes to blogging. Still trying to get use to it. Anyway, next blogging topic given was dreams. I had many dreams back when I was in secondary school.

I dreamt of being a lawyer because I enjoyed thrashing and tearing apart opponents' arguments in debate. Madam Cynthia used to tell me how cannibalistic I was when it comes to debating; an entirely different being. What can I say, I had been home-trained by my own mother through constant disagreements and bickering. (For those who do not know, I have a very complicated upbringing.)

I loved Mathematics like I love pork (FYI, my favourite dishes are pig organ soup and pork leg rice). Back then, I felt like my entire life revolved around maths, and I would stay up all night until I finish my maths assignment. Maths was a challenging, in my opinion, like a riddle or mystery to solved. I loved it so much that I dreamt of being a 'MATHEMATICIAN.' There's probably no such term, but back then, I kept telling my parents that was my ambition.

A lawyer and a mathematician. Two different dreams, but it did not occur to me that I would have to choose one when the time comes, OR I would have if I had not given up on them.

In Sec 5, I gave up! I guess I've had enough of struggling. That was the last straw and throughout SAJC and NUS, I went on without an aim in life, except to never be an engineer.

Ever since young, my parents had laid out my future job for me: an engineer (not surprising considering engineering was a budding occupation in their time). Regardless of my achievements in school, they deemed them redundant and a waste of time. It was most ironical how I was highly praised in school, but an entire opposite at home. It was no wonder that I developed split personality back then; a bubbly fella in school but a gloomy child at home. You can hardly find me crack a joke or smile at home. That was probably why I took up at least 5 CCAs then, so I would have an excuse to be in school 6 days a week.

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But if you ask me now, I regretted giving up on my dreams. As much as I was upset and disappointed with my parents, I should never have given up on my dreams. I thought that by giving up on my studies and no longer a high achiever, my parents expectations would ceased and more importantly, they would realise and regret what they had being doing to me. That mindset shows how immature I was back then.

Till today, I don't think they even realised the psychological damage they had given to me. And even if they did, so what? At the end of the day, I am to fend for myself. Blaming others will not ensure a better future for me.

And now, I'm hoping my students will not make the same mistakes. If you have a dream, go all out for it. Don't just build clouds in the sky, make it happen, study for it!